042. Battling the Fears Within: A Firefighter's Tale of Imposter Syndrome [Part 1]

In this episode of the Keep the Promise Podcast, host TJ welcomes back Lieutenant Brian Yonkin from the Harrisburg Bureau of Fire, a previous guest known for his discussions on cooking, leadership, and firefighting. This episode explores Brian's personal experiences with imposter syndrome, especially within the context of the fire service. 

Brian shares his journey from being a cook to becoming a fire lieutenant, the challenges he faced, including dealing with panic attacks, PTSD, and the impact of a custody battle. The conversation highlights the various ways imposter syndrome can manifest, especially among high performers, and discusses the importance of recognizing and addressing it. 

Through personal anecdotes and professional insights, this episode aims to shed light on a common yet often misunderstood issue in the firefighting community.

00:00 Opening Reflections on Learning and Growth
00:38 A Journey from Cooking to Firefighting
05:46 Exploring Imposter Syndrome in the Fire Service
07:05 Personal Struggles and Seeking Solutions
10:32 Discovering EMDR Therapy: A Turning Point
18:52 Confronting and Overcoming Imposter Syndrome
22:51 A Cascade of Events: Unpacking Personal Experiences
23:33 Deep Dive into Personal Struggles and Coping Mechanisms
28:45 Exploring the Impact of Imposter Syndrome
35:00 The Journey of Self-Discovery and Healing
38:09 Reflections on Professional Challenges and Personal Growth

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Transcript

TJ: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this week's episode of the keep the promise podcast. I'm your host TJ. And today we have. A returning guest, somebody whom you may recognize from episode 15, when we talked about cooking, when we talked about leadership, when we talked about firefighting, and a little bit of philosophy.

He's a lieutenant in Harrisburg Bureau of Fire, a good friend of mine, we share lots of memes, which seems to be a trend with a lot of my guests, but I also truly admire the way his brain works and his take on philosophy, especially with the spin of doing it within the fire service without further ado to talk about imposter syndrome.

My buddy, Brian 

Brian: Hello. Thank you for having me. I'm excited. I've been thinking about this for a couple of days, so. 

 When we talked about it earlier, um, like I just worked through some stuff and I was like, oh, I bet TJ's got an episode on this. And so I was like, yo, you, cause I just wanted to get straight to it. I was, I just wanted to like, instead of searching for it, I was like, yo, what episode is it?

And he's like, I don't have one. Do you want to do it? I was like, yeah, sure. I just worked through my bullshit. So let's go. I

TJ: And what better way? It's, it's easier for us to sit here and like, hypothetically talk about things. It's much better when we've actually gone through it and who better to talk about it than 

Brian: other better people, but all right. Thought about it.

Yeah, 

TJ: got the mustache, bro. Give us a quick recap of your life. We don't have to go as in depth as we did on the previous episode, but if somebody hasn't listened to 15 yet, which they should

Brian: Uh, I was a cook after high school in Phoenix. I did some chefing, came back to Philadelphia area, did some chefing there, and then hurt my back. Uh, went to family school, tried to become a fireman, became a fireman in Harrisburg Bureau of Fire, and then, uh, moved through the ranks from fireman to driver or fireman, uh, to, uh, fireman.

Truckman, driver, now I'm a lieutenant. I've been a lieutenant for about four years? Maybe even going on five. Uh, yeah. But now I'm remarried and I've got four kids instead of two. And I'm a football and wrestling dad. Two things that I never did when I was a kid. So, I learned a lot just from that.

TJ: I just remember I kind of had to chuckle when we first chatted that you thought you could come in to the firehouse 

Brian: Yeah, yeah. For some reason in my brain when I was a cook I was like, Oh, I could be a cook. Uh, a chef in, in the firehouse and like that would be like me being a fireman or whatever. That would be like my part because I was like this skinny like 115 pound dude, like scrawny. I'm like, there's no way I'm able to do that shit.

Um, but you know, I gained some muscle and now I can get some old man muscle, I guess is what you'd like to call it. And now I can, you know, I can hold my own. So,

TJ: it's interesting. Some of the some of the ideals that we come into the fire service with and how quickly how quickly you have to look back and be like, wow, I was. So mistaken

Brian: well there's not much good information. I feel like they did a lot better. They did a lot better of a job describing what it was like to be a fireman or like the thoughts and feelings around that. In say, like the early 2000s and early 1990s. Um, like the, I guess the, for lack of a better term, the lobbying for firemen.

Like the FDNY documentaries, you know what I mean? Like. Those are well thought out and like when you watch those like if you watch them now you get a sense Like it of pride like that. You're a fireman, right? And very few of those now or or out or at least I don't know about them. You know what I mean? So, um, I feel like if we did a better job marketing ourselves to the general public We'd one get better applicants and two like we probably wouldn't fight as much for You Uh, contracts and stuff like that.

Yeah, for sure. We don't have to do that 

TJ: I, because I 100 percent agree with, with the fact that our marketing is abysmal. I mean, there's some, there's some departments that do it super well. Uh, the first one that always comes to mind is South Metro out in a, out in Colorado, they are, their PIO is dialed the fuck in, but of course, you know, like you look at other departments that.

they might post once a month on Facebook like, Hey, remember to check your smoke detectors or Sparky is going to be at the mall. And you're like, okay, you're not doing shit for 

Brian: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. 

TJ: anything about anything, nor are you

Brian: Yeah. It's a, it's a shame, but it is what it is at this point. So unless somebody picks up the ball and runs with it, it's not going to be me. I can tell you that much.

TJ: No, because we are busy talking about imposter syndrome. And before we can figure out how to beat it, how to keep it at bay, how to not feel like imposters, we always have to define what the problem is. Right. We have to. Operationalize what we're dealing with. So how would you define it and why do you think we see it so, or we feel it quite often in the fire service,

Brian: Uh, so I had to look up the definition. I know what it felt like for me. Uh, it's the condition of feeling anxious, uh, not giving enough experience or not feeling, uh, experienced success internally despite being a high performing in external objective ways. Um, so for that to me, it's like, um, I don't, what was the second part of the question?

TJ: basically

Brian: applies to the fire service. So go ahead and do this. Um,

TJ: said

Brian: how it applies to the fire service. I would say that you, you could see a lot of younger guys acting certain ways, or maybe someone that just became an officer. Um, I actually did not. feel that way when I became an officer, it was afterwards.

Um, so like my personal experience with it was, uh, is this kind of a deep rabbit hole? But, um, like, it felt like I was having a heart attack and I would be waking up, like, In the middle of the night, like three, four in the morning, just like, what the fuck? Um, or, uh, I would try to meditate in like my heart, my blood pressure was high.

I just went to the doctor and they're like, yeah, your blood pressure is a lot higher than it normally is. And I was like, yeah, I can't, I can't fucking figure it out. So they're like, oh, it's not too bad though. It was like one 35 over 90 or whatever. And I was like, yeah, normally it's like one 10 over. So it's like, yeah, something's up and I couldn't figure it out.

And I had read, uh, the body keeps score and I had worked through a lot of shit in my life already. So I was like, there's gotta be, it's gotta be something in my past or, you know, something else or this, that, or the other thing. And, um, initially I thought it was. Uh, PTSD related because I have that and I've been diagnosed with it.

Um, that being related, not necessarily to work, but it was my custody battle for my children, like my two daughters, um, that day was like the worst shit that I've ever experienced. And, uh, afterwards, I can only talk about it a little bit. I can't go into detail, but like afterwards, um, I went to the gym cause I was mad, like, and then all of a sudden, like the, my body was devoid of emotion and that.

I had to like, throw things at, like a heavy 20 pound sand ball, sand bag at the wall to feel angry for a split second. And it was like, this is weird. Like I've experienced that before, but not to that extent. So when I just kind of like packed that away for a little bit, you know, I got sad and shit, you know, cried about it.

Um, cause there was really nothing I could do at that point. So, and it was, it is the way it was. And, you know, so, uh, I tried to overcompensate for that, like, uh, you know, I had them on the weekends, I had them on the weekends, three weekends of the month, and then split in the summer, and then like school holidays and shit like that, so, uh, when I had them I would take off work, because I would get anxious, like, like something was wrong, you know, like, I wasn't sure if it was like dealing with, you know, Their mother or just like whatever it was like I was like, there's something I don't know what it is.

So I went Once like fast forward like a year and it was starting to affect my current relationship with my now wife She was my fiance at the time like everything that she did was like Getting to me like she would she deals with her stress completely different than I do like I attack it She's kind of like Facts away.

So every time that would happen, it felt like, you know, my body would be like, so, you know, and then I would dissociate and I wouldn't be able to sleep for like two, three days. So, and then I was like, it was, I wasn't sleeping good, you know, being grumpy as fuck to people. Um, so I was like, I read this book fit for off duty.

Um, it talks about EDMR. So I was like, and I've heard two or three people. I don't know if they've been on your podcast, but someone, one of the dudes that I know from like art of armorship days who taught, and I was like, Oh, and I heard his story and I was like, yeah, I gotta, I gotta try that. You know what I mean?

And I had already been going to therapy for years. So it was just talk therapy, you know, and it seemed to be helping, but it wasn't like that was different stuff that I was just, I wasn't used to. And I was, I was doing attachment theory work. I was doing like meditation. I was. You know, it was an in talk therapy to like work through my junk and it was working to an extent but like that felt very different and So I went to edmr Uh, one of the guys at work who's a combat marine who got blown up and shot, you know He's got a fucking hole in his hip.

He's got a you know A fake hip a metal hip because of it and he's like, yeah, I did this Uh edmr stuff and he told me what it was like and I was like, well, it sounds intense You And he's like, is it it is and I was like I didn't quite understand it at the time how intense it was but so Knowing that I went and I was like and no and then being in therapy for so many years I was like the first time I went I was just like he's like, all right, so why are you here?

And I was like I just fucking just like word vomited and he's like, yeah, we can definitely help you So he did the paddle thing. He did the paddle thing right away You Oh, and before this, like, I wasn't, my, my feeling, like, I wasn't feeling anything, like, I was numb a lot, so I was just like, there's something wrong with me.

I can't fucking put my finger on it. So, um, yeah, so, like, it was just like a warm up to, like, show you what it's like, so it gives me the paddles, and they, and they buzz. Real slow and that was just like the he's like, okay I want you to think of like, you know in fight club and he's like think you're okay It was kind of like that Uh, it's like, you know think of a place that you Go to that you really like and it calms you So I thought of this hike that I used to go to this little waterfall and That's the spot like I've meditated there lots of times and I felt amazing every time that I've come come out of there gone in There with a pissy attitude come out like a hundred different hundred percent different.

So I was like, that's the place He's like, okay cool. So he's just I I did the thing and rewired my brain real quick. And then he's like, alright We're you know, pretend that you have a box. I was like Doesn't matter what size the box is. You know, like is it can it look like a box? A pirate's chest because that's when I think of a box.

That's what I think of. You know what I mean? He's like perfect. So he's like, all right, so he's like pretend that you have some emotion you're thinking about something It's really pissing you off and give it a color or whatever. I want you to put it in the box Okay, so I did that and then um, and that was like the end of that session.

So he he was like, okay We'll come back in a couple days We'll do another one but in between that session and the next one like I was excited about stuff and I barely even scratched the surface of this and this is already like a hundred percent exactly what I'm looking for. And I told my wife, I was like, I was like, did you see what I did?

And she's like, no, I was like, I got excited over like something and she's like, well, that's good. You know what I mean? I was just like, no, this is like breakthrough. So I went back, you know, and like. Worked through some junk through, uh, custody stuff, you know what I mean? And it was like anger and sadness and all that stuff like and then, uh, worked through some other stuff and then Uh, you know, but that so it felt I felt normal for a little bit and I was like, okay I got this I got shit squared away, you know what I mean?

So And then fast forward a couple of months, still having the, like, it felt like panic attacks, but not quite panic attacks because I've had panic attacks before and there's nothing like them. Um, uh, so it was just like, felt like I was having a heart attack, like, you know, waking up in the middle of the night, like, preoccupied in my brain all the time, just about the most random stuff, trying to fill my days with stuff to do.

Uh, just to occupy my brain, my, to idle it, because I was like, meditation's not working, I can't fucking watch a movie, and you know, I just like, can't fucking stand still, uh, uh, I'll, I'll fucking, you know, redo the house or whatever, like, redo the porch, go to the fucking treehouse, do this, that, and the other thing, um, which I did, you know what I mean, and I could do those things, but it just wasn't working, so I was just like, and I'm talking to my therapist, I'm like, I don't, there's something, I don't know what the fuck it is, like.

And I was like, it's just, not bad. It's just there. You know what I mean? It's just kind of like, it's kind of like a backpack with a bunch of rocks you carry around, you know what I mean? Or, uh, it felt like there was a knot in my shoulder all the time. And I was like, oh, maybe it's my gallbladder. You know what I mean?

And I wasn't, and it was affecting my, what it felt like, my, uh, Libido, whatever, you know, I wasn't waking up with a, you know, in the morning with a morning mood. And I was just like, maybe it's my testosterone. So I'll fucking go get that check. And, you know, normal is subjective to purple people. But I had been getting my testosterone checks since I was like 27.

So I was like, oh, it's down like 150. You know, maybe I just need to get my shit, my sleep squared away, because I know that has a lot of effect with it. So I was like, oh, I'll get it. My circadian rhythm back in order, because that's what, a couple years ago, um, when I went through my divorce, like, that wasn't my problem, I was so stressed out, I was like, the cortisol was just streaming through my body, I stunk, some weird, funky, like, smell, you know what I mean, like the stress smell, uh, that just doesn't go away, um, I was moody all the time, like, same thing then, you know what I mean, even though I didn't have a girlfriend or whatever, like, It's like, well, this is weird.

I should be fine. Um, and then, you know, I got my sleep scared away and then, you know, got my macros adjusted, my workouts re, you know, properly, uh, mapped out my central nervous system, like calm down. It took a while, but like that was fine. And I was like, Oh, if I do that again, I'll be good. So I did all those things still had the same, like panic.

Like heart attack things. I was like, this is fucking weird. And then I was like looking for a second job. And then I got that second, the second job with a iron will PT is, uh, you know, like an assistant coach, uh, enrollment specialist, dude. And then I'm working through that, doing the stuff, killing it, you know what I mean?

And then like, he noticed these things in me, like the doing too much, like he watched how many hours I put into doing this. And he's like, you have, you know, really picked this up real quick. And it seems like. He's like, I notice you're just like fucking killing it and you're like, you know, as soon as we let you lose, like you're, you know, running like it's, you know, hit the ground running or whatever.

So I was like, yeah, I'm fucking, and then I kept asking questions like, Hey, um, you know, it's all this thing. Should I be doing this? He's like, no, just do it. Just do what we're doing, you know, just follow the training thing that I have, you know, okay. So next week I'd be like, Hey, so this thing, that? And he'd be like, uh, no, just do the thing.

And then, you know, he would just kind of reel me back, back in. And then, uh, one day he came in to our meeting. He was like, yeah, man, it's just like, I'm feeling run down and it's kind of feel like, you know, my heart hurts. And it's kind of like trying to like fill my day with all this shit. And I was like, yeah, it's just, I just know it's like this, This thing that I, you know, I do every once in a while, it's like anxiety related.

And I was like, you know, it was like the light bulb. I was just like, I never, and I was just like, oh, that's weird. 'cause I was like trying to like make it relevant to me. 'cause that's what you do when you have conversations. So I was just like, oh, okay. And it was just like, like a, you know, the dog tilt and it was like the dog had tilt and I was like, that's interesting.

So, and um, about three months prior to that, my wife had. something similar that she experienced like she's a perfectionist and she'd be like, Oh, did you ever feel like, you know, when you became a lieutenant, that you didn't quite know what you're doing. like, Oh, I mean, for probably six to 12 months. Yeah.

But no, no, I feel fine. You know what I mean? I'm doing great. I'm doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing. Like we go to fires, I do a good job. Oh, this, that, and the other thing. Um, you know, like, I basically overcompensated for any inaccuracies that I could have had. Um, by being a high performer and that's just Probably how I was raised to do things.

I don't know Uh, so yeah the coach, um, you know called me called me out on that and then the next week, you know He went out to this conference and I was watching the stories he was doing and they talked about imposter syndrome and I was like and then the What it felt like like You I can't remember the screenshot, but I was like, that's it.

I think that's it. Like, and so I, the next, and then I had a meeting with him like two days, two days later. And I was like, yeah, I, you know, I, I saw what the thing you did over the weekend and the training, excuse me. Um, and I was like, all those things you talked about last week, like I experienced all those things.

And I think it was like imposter syndrome. Like I was, you know, cause I feel like I'm not good at this. And I just kind of feel like, uh, a fraud at this point. Cause I'm trying to do the thing. And I'm, I have no experience to base it off of, you know what I mean? I'm just kind of like dipping my toes in the water.

And he was like, yeah, man, no, that is like totally normal. Like, and you're doing a good job. Like you're exactly where you need to be. And, you know, it's just something we all have to work through. And, and he was like, you know, he just kind of worked, he worked me through weird feeling that I had been stressing out about for like three years that nobody else could, including my therapist or my friends or my family.

And I was just like, that is a good coach. You know what I mean? That's a good leader. Uh, and I was like, Oh, this is why I wanted to work with this guy. You know what I mean? And I was like, Oh, this is going to be so helpful for the rest of my life just to be, you know, more comfortable. To make that feeling relevant for other people that uh under me or above me or whatever, you know what I mean?

because i've seen it in other people and I probably did it when I was a fireman, you know what I mean? Because I was like Uh when I was a fireman, I was that little shithead that was posting videos all the time to like Show you that I was doing a good job And you know I was you know Look at me. I'm doing this.

You know, I was, I played it off like I was trying to be a dickhead to the dudes that wouldn't teach teach me. But in hindsight, when I think about it, you know, I probably didn't feel like I was doing a good job because I wasn't going to that many fires. And it was like, I have to, you know, I got to practice.

I'm not getting better at this so I can do nothing. So, um, that's probably that. I mean, that all together is what it was like for me. And it's a long winded answer, but it's not a long, it's not a short, thing that happened. It was a, uh, it was like a cascade of events or it was just like one thing after the other.

Uh, and that's what happened.

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TJ: it's so fascinating, the things that you described, because to me, it felt like you were. Almost word for word talking about things that I have experienced up until recent time, I wrote down not in the shoulder like quadruple underline because I have had something, something that I don't like it's, it feels like a nod, but,

Brian: Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. And you try to rub it. You try to like massage it out and it would feel better for a little bit and then we'll just fucking come back and it would be like agony, you know, annoying, not so much as agony, but just annoying thing. Like it's just there, like there's a gremlin on your shoulder.

Like that's my gremlin nose.

TJ: It's the lack of the lack of excitement all also got me because I, I jokingly only have jokingly have told friends and coworkers that I'm pretty sure our dopamine receptors are 

Brian: Oh yeah. 

TJ: like where we always keep chasing that dragon of all right, you know, Almost got into a bad spot at the last fire.

Let's see if we can get into a worse spot just so I

Brian: Yeah, no, I have a habit of like driving fast, really fast. Uh, you know, like 10 miles over the speed limit, just enough that I won't get in trouble. Yeah. No, I, well, I have kids in the cars, right? Sometimes. So I can't.

TJ: Oh yeah, no, no,

Brian: Yeah, exactly. So, um, and now, you know, I smoke cigars. I smoke a lot and, you know, and then in that time I was like, I wanted to drink, you know what I mean?

Because of dopamine. And I even told my therapist the one time I was like, this one, I was just, I just needed a drink. Cause I was like, I know I needed dopamine for when I was stressed out and I was just needed dopamine. I was like, I'm going to get fucking wasted. You know what I mean? Like, but I'm not going to do that every week.

But I was just like, this is, I want to do this. You know what I mean? And that's not a healthy outlook, you know, and output. I mean, it's every once in a while, but to be like, Oh, you know, and I changed my diet and I recognized that when I took certain foods out, like, uh, it made me want to drink more. And I was like, Oh, I have a healthy attachment to food as well.

Like, cause food made me feel good, cause it made me feel powerful. Cause, when I ate a lot, I was strong, you know what I mean? But when I took away the carbs and the fat, uh, it made me feel weak. So I was like, how can I compensate for that, you know what I mean? So I was like, just all these things, like, it's just like, a shotgun of all these symptoms, just came from one place.

Yeah,

TJ: And it's, I, I like how we are reframing it, how you are reframing it taking that shotgun approach, those different symptoms that come from, from one direction, because you opened my eyes, dude. Like I, the things that you mentioned, the lack of excitement, same thing. I, I speed. The other day I was in a. You know, doing like 90 miles an hour, like an absolute idiot.

And it was a car stop that stopped on the highway. And I was able to just not even like, you know, looking at my phone, cause I'm a moron, dropped the phone, went up to the shoulder, kicked up all the dust, didn't even slow down. And then got back on the highway, not even thinking like I almost just slammed into a car and died.

Didn't even have the feeling in my leg. You know, when you almost wrecked that you have that,

Brian: yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

TJ: in your legs that 

Brian: That was close. Oh, yeah Yeah,

TJ: And that's when I thought to myself, I'm like, dude, I am so messed up that I'm just going along, you know, back to singing the song I was singing, you know, trying to figure out where my phone went type thing.

And the panic attacks are another thing that. Now looking at it, I can see where it's coming from because I've had two big ones that I can, that I can really, two big panic attacks that I can, um, really say that I've experienced. One was like a month after our line of duty death happened at the gym. And felt like a heart attack, felt like my lights were going out.

And the other one happened of all places, the irony at, um, the firefighter health and wellness conference in Ohio, back in October, where I could not even go back to bed. I had to like, I was at an Airbnb and I walked downstairs, curled up in a blanket on the couch and alternated between screaming into a pillow and then Like, you know, when the cats are about to get their zoomies and their eyes are like wide and they're like freaking out looking at everything.

Dude, every car that drove past that house, because it was near a busy road. I was just like, they're, they're coming to get me. And, and thankfully I knew I've talked to enough people and I've, you know, we've dealt with enough patients who have had panic attacks that I knew what it was. And I knew I had to just almost let it happen pretty much.

But. If I start at least on my end, we're not making this about me, but if I start taking all of the things that you described, at them under the umbrella of imposter syndrome, I can zoom out enough and say, this is exactly why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling because of the pressures of the job, the podcast life, trying to be somebody I wasn't. It just checks out. It 100 percent checks out, and I guarantee you somebody else listening to this right now is gonna be like, Holy fuck, I'm feeling

Brian: and then I didn't realize it until my coach said that to me, you know what I mean? Or described it in a way that it made sense in my head And apparently there's like five different types of imposter syndromes. You know what I mean? So like, uh, There's the perfectionist which is what my my wife was. Um, Describing to me that the expert type.

I don't know what that is. Uh, natural genius apparently is like one thing that's like, uh, Just you just are really good at the thing You Uh, soloist, you don't ask for help from the super person, like you're just, um, you know, a high performer, which is, it felt like the super person was more my, uh, definition of, uh, imposter syndrome.

And that's what it felt like anyway to me, you know, cause I was like, I'm doing all these things. I'm checking all the boxes. I'm getting everything right. I can do a good job, you know, externally, but inside it felt like. I wasn't doing a good job. Um, so yeah, I mean, um, and it came out, yeah, go ahead.

TJ: Quick question, do you think it affects the high 

Brian: Oh, a hundred percent. 

TJ: more because of the hyper awareness, because I have my, my hypothesis, but I

Brian: I would, I would say so because we're probably, you know, our personalities, like, um, if you take, you know, certain personality tests, you know, depending on which one you take, like if you give me a goal, I will, I will crush it. You know what I mean? Or like, and then I, it only takes me like 40 percent information to make a good decision.

Um, Based on the personality test that I've taken. Not, it won't necessarily be the right decision. It will work if the more information I have, the better decision obviously I'll make, but like I can make the right decision. With 40 percent information. And it's just, that's how my brain works or apparently, and, and I've taken personality tests, personality tests, over personality tests, and they all same, the same thing.

And I don't know where that comes from. It's probably just the way my brain is wired or how I was taught from my father or my brother and my uncles.

TJ: I think, I think, especially our kind of people, the, the ones who gravitate to the fire service, the fixers, the, the high performers, because we are so hyper aware of, Everything, including our own shortcomings. There's a, there's a meme that I sent my buddy stack, the one from, from the things we all carry podcast that I'm like, maybe this is why I don't see eye to eye with a lot of people in the fire department.

And the meme said, I wish I lacked critical thinking skills because all y'all

Brian: Yeah, no, I can, I can definitely

relate to that. Yeah. 

TJ: It's, it's so interesting. It's so, I'm looking at it. I'm looking at the whole imposter syndrome thing at, you know, I'm looking at you as, as a fire officer, and I'm looking at some of the not so high performing officers that I know who are so happy and so unaware of how they may be or how dangerous it is what they're doing that they're not, they're not, you know, Performing as they should, it's just, I think, I think this kind of personality is prone to it, and I don't think that the fire service does as like, does a, I think the culture and the nature of the fire service. Exacerbates those things because you mentioned you're like, Hey, you know, I'm posting videos about fires. Like I'm not going to enough if we're not getting constantly tested. If we're not constantly proving to ourselves that we can do it, then those thoughts start creeping in.

Brian: Yeah, definitely. I think to go along with what you were talking about, like the officers, um, this is kind of, kind of related, but kind of not, but it just popped in my head, like, uh, another, the thoughts that I was feeling, uh, like my, one of my buddies in my academy just got promoted and the initial thing that I thought when he got promoted, I was like, Oh, he's going to be a better officer than me because he had more fire experience.

And I was like, and I was, and I had been a Lieutenant for like three years at this point and I already made my balance, you know what I mean? Like. And I was like, this dude is going to be better than me. And I was like, who the fuck says that? You know what I mean? Like, You want this guy to do well, but you don't want to downplay your own success.

But I was like, but I wholeheartedly still felt that. And then another dude was on the list that was in my academy, and I was like, oh that dude is going to be awesome too, because of this, that, and the other thing. He's got, he's got this going on, people think he's much more well respected than me, like this, and that, and the other thing.

And I was like, you know, you want him to do well, and then you sit back and you're like, why the fuck was I, you know, like. downplaying my own successes to bring up these other people, which is, you know,

TJ: Um, Um,

Brian: shit confidence at that point.

And I was just like, oh man. And I directly related to You know, the change in my father status, like instead of a full time dad, I was a, I was, you know, I was a part time dad, and it was just like, and it just crushed my soul, and I, uh, and I didn't realize it at the time, because I was just like, but my wife, my fiancée at the time, was just like, okay, what are you going to do, you know?

Cause I was like, I don't feel, I don't feel good. I don't feel like I'm a good officer. He said, what are you gonna do? I was like, I'm gonna fucking do drugs every day. I'm gonna make sure the guys are okay. I'm gonna do this, that, and the other thing. And that's what I did. And it still was in there. You know what I mean?

Like, uh, and Facebook doesn't fucking make it any better. Or Instagram doesn't make it any better. Cause all, all, all I'm looking at is like, you're a fucking shitbag if you don't do this. You know what I mean? Like, you're a shitbag if you don't work out. And I'm working out. Fucking six days a week some day and then for a while that I was working out twice Twice a day just to see if it would calm my body down because I knew it did before and I was like nothing Nothing. This shit is working like what the fuck is wrong with me? You know what I mean? And i'm just like and she she knew her instincts were much better than mine That's the nice thing about women right? They can see through your junk. You can't see through your junk It's just how they communicated with you.

She tried her best, you know what I mean? But it just wasn't I wasn't receiving it And maybe I wasn't asking for, you know, feedback, but, and she was just giving it to me, and I hate that shit. So, my fucking parents do that shit to me, my brother does it to me, and I fucking, I yelled at my brother for it. I was like, knock it the fuck off, I didn't ask you for your opinion, just listen to me.

But like, you know what I mean? It's just like, she knew what was going on with me, she just couldn't, she couldn't relate it to how I was feeling. I had to have another guy. Like you said, like you said earlier, uh, I had to have another guy that I respected be like, Hey, this is what's going on for me. And it's totally fucking normal.

And I was like, Oh my God. And as soon as I got it, as soon as I recognized it, I slept better. Everything improved. You know what I mean? Like the mood, the way I acted at work, like I was being a prick to dudes at work. Cause that's the, that was the leader 60 example that I had, uh, Had in front of me like, you know, push, you know, iron fist fucking be an asshole.

I was like that is not me authentically, you know what I mean? So it's just like I was not being myself and then like after I got it sorted away They were like, how come you didn't take the captain's test and I was like initially I was like, you know, I You know, I wasn't ready for it and it was like which is what I told them and I was like, yo, man I was so in my head like that custody shit fucked me up and I was like I was not ready for it Always I thought that I couldn't do a good job and obviously you guys know that I was being an asshole and they're like, yeah we know and I was like And I you know, I was like I was fucking up and you know You guys tried to tell me in the way that you told me but like it wasn't nothing was sinking nothing nothing was sinking and uh You know what?

I mean? Like at one point even in this I was like I I probably should demo like because I can't be the officer that I want to be you know what I mean? And I uh, I I can't do this like I Because I'm showing up, you know, two days a week, maybe, or whatever, like, uh, No, I'm not 100 percent there for whatever reason.

I'm trying to be, you know what I mean? Like, I secluded myself from all the guys. Like, I would fucking hang out in the engine bay when they were watching movies. Or I would be in my office, uh, away from them, you know what I mean? Like, all the symptoms that something's going on, that only like one or two people called me, I don't know.

You know you good? And I'd be like, I fucking think so. I don't know. Like. It feels like I'm fine, like I'm doing, I'm waking up, I'm doing my job, I'm doing this and the other thing. But, I was so dissociated from my bullshit that I didn't know that there was something wrong. And I eventually went and talked to that dude, I was like, yo dude, thanks for like, waking me up to something being wrong.

Cause you, I probably would've never like, tried to figure it out. I would've just kept going. And probably would've just made myself so sick. Like I lost hair on my face. You can see it. See it. Yeah. I just

massage it. But like right here is bald spots from like this, from like

TJ: Yeah, I see it. I see a 

Brian: And I was like, I thought it was diet. I thought it was the sleep. I thought it was this that near thing. I think, I think it was just, you know, my body's like, I'm done with you. You either change it or you're going to die.

You know what I mean? So, uh, a slow death, not a fun death, you know, going out in a blaze of glory that, you know, every guy wants to do. Love it. Bye. I'd rather die, you know, raging through in my, uh, you know, over a bump in my car, you know, exploding and, you know, having, you know, driving 100 miles an hour than fucking, you know, having a heart attack on my couch or in my bed, you know, or taking shit.

Uh, but yeah, that was it. You know what I mean? And when I worked through it, like there was this, uh, this one call that was one of your questions. Um, yeah,

TJ: a specific incident. All

Brian: It was a specific incident that gave me like it brought me back to eat Mr. Like it made me dissociate and I was like, I was like, Oh, it took me three days to get over this call and it wasn't even that bad of a call.

It was just what had happened at the call. Uh, so, we went to this vehicle accident. Uh, car on its side, this lady's trapped in there. She's not really hurt that bad. She's just kind of in there. And it took us like 15, 20 minutes to cut this roof off. And it was just like everything we were doing wasn't working.

And I'd be like, hey, you go do this thing. And then they, I'd see them go do it. And then I'd turn around and I'd look back and they had put that tool down. And I was like, what the fuck? And then, uh, I'd be like, hey. Go do this thing. Get this, get this thing. And I'd see them going on the way to do it. And then they would just stop.

And I was just like, what the fuck is going on here? Um, and then, um, I ended up like involving myself in the extrication because I was just like, Hey, somebody needs to get the Sawzall and do the thing. And it was just like, slow motion. You know what I mean? Like every, I was just like, okay, I guess I'm doing this.

You know what I mean? Like this lady needs to get the fuck out of here. She's been in here for too long. Uh, so I start doing the thing and I start cutting the, uh, we cut all the posts, but then the last post was like high strength steel and we couldn't get through it because it was like, I don't know, super thick, whatever it was.

Um, we tried sawzall, tried the cutters, tried to hide the speedway cutters. Um, nothing was working. So we, we did just did like a relief cut straight down and then left the, the D posts on both sides there. And it was just like, went through the sheet metal. So the post was like, And then she was out and we're good.

So I was like, oh cool. And I went back to the firehouse, couldn't fucking sleep. You know what I mean? I was just like, couldn't suffer sleep for shit for like two days. Grumpy motherfucker. So I was like, I know, I know what that is because I've been to, uh, to EDMR and that was some of the stuff that was going on before.

So I was like, all right, we need to do this thing. And he was like, it sounds like your boy's let down. Uh, um, so we worked through it and it was like, um, I can't remember what had happened, but I'd worked through that. And then after I had worked through the imposter syndrome, I had looked back on all the stuff that had happened since the custody in that call was it felt like I was a fraud, that's why people weren't listening to me, um, or like I hadn't, they didn't respect me or whatever, all these things, all these excuses that had come up in my brain, as to why they weren't doing the thing, but I didn't have the whole picture at that point, right, so I didn't have the whole picture of, like, Somebody stopped them on the, on the way and be like, Hey, we're not doing that.

Or the other Lieutenant who's a rescue lieutenant was like running the show. And I was just kind of trying to do tactics at that point. You know what I mean? So it's just like, I was interjecting in the plan and I didn't know, but it felt like all this things happened. So it was just like, it was nice to kind of like get full closure on why I felt that way instead of just, you know, working through it, EDMR, which helped a hundred percent, but like, you know, get that last little edge off wasn't mhm.