061. Duty Bound Grief: Unpacking Hidden Wounds in the Fire Service [Part 1]

In this episode, Rachael Belcher shares her 27-year journey in the fire service, detailing her experiences from volunteering as an EMT to working as a paramedic with the Baltimore County Fire Department. Rachael's story takes us into her time on the Gulf Coast after Hurricane Katrina, the emotional toll of dealing with traumatic events, and her courageous decision to seek mental health treatment. She also discusses her mission to dismantle the stigma around seeking help and educate first responders about duty-bound grief. 

You will learn:

• the importance of mental health
• techniques for building resilience
• and practical ways to thrive in a challenging profession

00:11 Meet Rachael Belcher

01:53 Rachael's Early Career in Fire Service

02:40 From Volunteer to Paramedic

09:45 Experiences During Hurricane Katrina

14:27 Lessons from the Gulf Coast

16:35 The Shift Before COVID

22:46 Seeking Help and Healing

29:07 Life After Treatment

32:08 Conclusion and Reflections

JEMS Article - Grief On the Front Line: Managing Our Hidden Wounds

Transcript

TJ: Welcome back to the keep the promise podcast, where we honor the commitment that firefighters and first responders make to serve others. While giving them the tools to thrive both on and off the job. Today, we're joined by someone who has not only faced the unique challenges of our profession, but has also turned those struggles into a powerful message of hope and healing.

That is Rachel Belcher. She has spent over 27 years in the fire service. Most of the time. Answering countless calls as a paramedic with the Baltimore County Fire Department. She's been on the front lines of disaster from 31 days on the Gulf Coast after Hurricane Katrina to the everyday emergencies we all know so well.

But her journey didn't stop at saving lives. She has also saved her own. After facing a series of difficult events, Rachel made the courageous decision to seek mental health treatment. Now, she's on a mission to dismantle the stigma around seeking help and to educate first responders about the duty bound grief, a type of grief she believes is unique to those of us who answer the call.

In this episode, we'll explore how Rachel's experiences have shaped her career, Her insights on resilience and practical ways that we can all do the inner work to stay strong. Without further ado, let's dive into the episode.

TJ: Rachel, welcome to the podcast. I'm sorry.

I misspelled your name on all the paperwork

Rachael: Okay. Thank you for having me.

TJ: in my defense. I don't even remember if Kirsten gave me the right name, but I don't blame her just because, you 

Rachael: It was only one letter missing. I mean, whatever.

TJ: Got to throw shade at the officers just because that's what we do. So let's get right into it. People are probably wondering, who is this chick?

Why is she on the podcast? So can you take us back to the journey of your fire service career? How you started? Why you started that way? And where you are these days?

Rachael: Well, the journey starts back in the 1900s.

TJ: Oh God, it makes me feel so old when we say it like that. I know, right?

Rachael: My children have the audacity to ask if color existed when I was

TJ: Oh, God, I mean, they're not wrong because, yeah,

Rachael: Rude. Yeah. So, um, probably my senior year in high school, a bunch of my buddies volunteered and, um, They seemed like they had a whole lot of fun. So of course it started based off of, uh, you know, social yearnings. Um, went and got my EMT. Um, I was a volunteer EMT for several years and then grew up a little bit, worked a bunch of non public safety jobs.

And in 2001, I, um, decided to apply to be a 911 operator. And I worked there at the dispatch center for three years. As an I 1 1 operator and becoming cross trained as a police dispatcher. That was a lot of fun. Um, but I am not the type of person who can be tethered to a desk in the basement of a courthouse.

That is just not my thing. So, um, I am the daughter of a state trooper and kind of always thought I would become a police officer. Um, but I saw that they were, um, hiring for the fire department. That And I already had the qualifications and I thought, you know, I don't know if I want to do it as a career because then it won't be fun anymore.

Um, but I applied and I got in and I loved it. I absolutely loved it. Um, so that was, I got in the fire department in 2004 and, um, shortly after getting in, I got my paramedic and I've been a paramedic ever since. And that, I mean, that's really the journey. It's a full immersion.

TJ: full immersion. I think most of us start with that social approach that it's just a fun place to go hang out when we're young and dumb and the realization that like, wait a minute, I can make something out of this for the rest of my life. And, uh, when you get to that point, it's like, wow, this is insane.

You're paying me like guys, you're, you're paying me to do this. Like the paycheck hits every two weeks. I was doing this for fun and for free back in the day.

Rachael: Right. And you know, when I first started, um, we actually got to hang out with our shift. We got to have fun and joke around and bust each other's balls and, you know, have food fights in the kitchen and just fun stuff. You know, not so much anymore, you know, especially post COVID. You're on a medic. You do not see your shift, maybe for the whole trip. But yeah, that, that feeling of are they actually paying me to hang out with my friends?

TJ: Yeah. Yeah. That's, um, it's one of the best feelings ever to spend, to spend time with those absolute degenerates in the

Rachael: Agreed.

TJ: Well, I mean, I got to throw a shot across the bow and say good on you for not going to law enforcement route, because. Yeah.

Rachael: am so glad. I am so grateful that I did not go into law enforcement. Um, I have a lot of respect for those guys. Don't get me wrong, but I'm very satisfied with my choice.

TJ: Get paid to sleep, as they always say,

Rachael: Well,

there was a time that was true.

TJ: right?

Rachael: Right.

TJ: So you pretty much run the gamut of everything from listening to the nine one one calls to being that person taking care of whoever calls nine one one. That gives you a bit of a different perspective into the first responder world.

Can you tell me a little bit about that?

Rachael: It does. So it was, it was really interesting and a big eye opener for me being on the receiving end of that 911 phone call. Being able to hear, you know, the panic in someone's voice and get all the details and try to reassure them because 1 1 operators ask a lot of friggin questions. I don't know if you've ever actually had to call 9 1 1, but it is quite annoying the amount of questions that they ask and sometimes people get extremely frustrated and they're like just send me the MF'ing ambulance or whatever.

So, you know, they're coming. I just need to ask you a few more questions and And then, you know, sitting in that chair and not ever finding out what happened was just, uh, man, that really gets to you. And, you know, that's why I'm, I really am a champion for 911 operators or first responders still. I know that may be an unpopular opinion, but they are.

Um, and, you know, it's almost more difficult being in that basement, being tethered to that desk and, you know, Being able to hear only part of the situation and never having an opportunity to know what the outcome was.

TJ: No closure, huh?

Rachael: No closure.

TJ: How did that affect you?

Rachael: It made me want to do more. That made me want to do more. I was like, and you know, I think we're all just really nosy.

TJ: No.

Rachael: We, we want to know all the business. We want to know all the information, you know, even the calls that we aren't on. We're like, what happened? What happened? We want to know the deets. And, you know, I wanted to know the needs. I wanted to know all of it. And I wanted to help on a deeper level

TJ: I was gonna say usually the answer you expect you expect is oh, I wanted to like make a bigger difference You're like nah, man. I just want to give me the tea. I just want to know the tea I want to know What and then you'd be the one out there vacuuming the grass at 3 in the morning if there's like a bunch of police lights Outside aren't you?

Rachael: when, when we used to do standbys for like, uh, warrants and things like that for the police. My partner and I would laugh because it would, you know, people would come out of the woodwork, they would be walking their baby, their baby in a stroller that clearly hadn't been out of the garage in 15 years or like riding their unicycle or like mowing their lawn with it out actually just to know what's going on.

What's

TJ: it's always fascinating watching these people start coming out of the woodwork Whenever there's flashing lights out in their neighborhood Three in the morning. It's 20 degrees outside. And you're like, that poor dog wants to be inside curled up. And you nosy bastard decided to take him out for a walk.

Rachael: also the point of not having to ask permission to go pee

TJ: Oh

Rachael: factor for not peeing at this bathroom anymore.

TJ: I was over here. Like I came into this whole thing. I was like, Oh, we're going to get these like crazy, like altruistic ideas of what she wanted to do. You're like, nah, man, I want it to know what was happening. And I want it to be able to go to the bathroom on my own terms. What's On my own terms. Right, right.

Yeah. look at me now.

Yeah, you got in the fire department and you still can't go to the bathroom on your own terms because the bells might go off.

Rachael: Little did I know.

TJ: So volunteer dispatcher paramedic and you were still a baby medic when you went down to the Gulf coast after Katrina. How did that come about?

Rachael: So I had only been in for about a year and they put out this, uh, like call to action. They were recruiting 500 people. Um, 502 man teams to go down. We actually, um, it was through FEMA. We actually got sworn in as FEMA employees for that month, um, throughout the country. And I was like, okay, I'm going to apply.

Why, why not? It sounds really cool. I, I, I don't have a husband. I don't have any kids. Why not? And they picked, they picked me and they picked up a significantly large group of, uh, fire, our fire departments personnel. I think. I want to say it might have been 20 of us

TJ: Wow.

Rachael: Yeah. Yeah. So I was, you know, young and dumb and wanted to have some fun.

And the, uh, on the thing, it said, you know, pack a backpack. Basically it was one backpack, all your stuff for the entire month had to be in the backpack. It said, prepare for austere conditions. It said, you know, we don't know how long you're going to be there, but it'll be at least 30 days. And I was pumped.

TJ: How was that?

Rachael: You know, it, it was eye opening. It was amazing. It was an education for sure. Uh, we started off in Atlanta, Georgia. We, our first assignment was, um, in Alabama. We were in Montgomery, Alabama and Tuskegee and all around there setting up centers where people could come and we would get them like registered for FEMA. Red Cross was set up there too. So they would get like gift cards and stuff for food and things like that. That was somewhat short lived. We then moved to Biloxi, Mississippi and, um, spent a majority of our time there. We stayed in the CB Naval base. It was a giant warehouse. Basically we all slept on cots.

It was probably, uh, I don't know, I'd say a half mile walk to the shower trailer and it was Mississippi in September. Uh, So by the time you got to the trailer, took your shower and got back to the thing, you needed a shower already. It was still very muggy down there, but the destruction, the devastation was, you know, incredible.

Nothing like I've ever seen before. We, um, we helped out at clinics. We continue to get people register. We were helping, um, the community get set up with their FEMA trailers. We would go out to their site and identify the electric and the, you know, and the water lines and make sure it was clear of debris.

And then we discovered that there was a quite large community down there that was a Vietnamese only speaking. There's a really large community down South that does like shrimp, shrimp fishing. I don't know what it's called. Trip tripping, I guess. And, uh, they couldn't read any of the literature because they don't speak English.

So we were able to facilitate some Vietnamese literature. We were able to make contact with this community. We, uh, volunteered after we got off. We, we worked like 12 hour days in the evenings. We found the Vietnamese Buddhist temple to volunteer at. And I was able to, through my mom, who worked with Cargill Salt at the time, get an entire tractor trailer of rice delivered because that's what they said they needed most.

That's the biggest staple, like a donation of an entire tractor trailer of rice. And funnily enough, on our first day there, We were introduced to two people that were helping to fold clothing donations and it was Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams.

TJ: Wow,

Rachael: So we spent several weeks with those two, riding around the dolphins that, um, that got loose from the aquarium and were recaptured, were actually kept in pools on this Seabee Naval Base.

So, um, we would, we would go with Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams to like see the dolphins. No,

TJ: Not a sentence you expect to hear post something like Katrina.

Rachael: so I mean, it was, it was hard work. We, we truly did work probably, I don't know, 15 hour days, I would say,

TJ: And what takeaways do you have from that time?

Rachael: don't take anything for granted. Um, that's my biggest one is your life can truly change in the blink of an eye. It doesn't matter how wealthy you are. It doesn't matter how smart you are, what your education is. Um, your life can change in an instant. And I just kind of learned not to take that for granted.

And also, when you have an opportunity to have an adventure, take it, every single time. Because even if it, like, there's sucky parts, there's always a takeaway of something to learn, or somebody cool to meet, uh, experience that you would not have had otherwise.

TJ: Yeah, and I think we see the first part of what you said so often in the first responder world, in the fire service especially, that things can change. In the blink of an eye, but I think that at some point or other, we're all guilty of getting used to that routine of go to the firehouse, work your shift, come home, do whatever, so on and so forth.

And we kind of sometimes lose that sense of adventure.

Rachael: Ew. We kind of, uh, fall into that comfort zone. and just start sailing and, you know, a comfort zone is also stagnation and you're not growing, you're not learning, you're not, you know, doing the things that will propel you to Ryan Gosling.

TJ: What is it? Only dead fish go with the flow.

Rachael: Yeah, yes, that's exactly right. You gotta swim, you gotta swim against the current sometime.

TJ: Yeah. And that's something that you had to do when we fast forward to 2023. When I don't want to say you throw in the towel because that's not quite what you did, but you kind of tapped and said, I need help.

Rachael: Yes, yes I

TJ: Tell me more.

Rachael: I would say it started like right before COVID actually started. There was some kind of shift that happened within me. Anybody that knows me at work up until that point knew me as happy go. When I first got in, I wore pigtail buns, princess Leia on my head. And my shift would make fun of me because they said I would hop out of the medic and go, we were at a cardiac. And I just like, I don't know. I. I tried to maintain optimism and, you know, not toxic optimism. I still work for the fire department, so I certainly have a sarcastic, cynical vibe as

well. But, you know, I most of the time was pretty damn happy to be at work and feeling good. And something started to happen where I noticed that I was more angry.

I was more Not wanting to be social. I was isolating. Um, instead of sitting at the table with my shift, I was going into the back room in the, you know, in the dark hole TV room and bundling up, you know, between calls and just sitting there and doing scrolling on my phone or whatever. And I, you know, I said, this is not me.

And I just thought, you know, I've been doing this job for a long time. Maybe, you know, I'm probably just burnt out. Getting to the point where I'm one of those salty old, fuck this place kind of thing. And, um, in 2020, um, we as a department lost a friend of mine who ended up passing away in her sleep. She was also the wife of my captain at the time who, my captain and I went to the academy together.

We've known each other. We had known each other 18 years by that point. And I was, you know, I was there for him absolutely as much as I possibly could be, like families should do for each other when things like that happen. And I noticed that I could not cry I. I was devastated. I was incredibly sad, not only for the loss of my friend, but for the loss of my friend's spouse. And, um, I just, I couldn't cry. And I was like, this is not normal. This is not normal. And then I kind of, um, did the mental gymnastics of, well, you know, for the past 18 years, I've had to compartmentalize my emotions. You have to close the curtain. So that you can continue to do the job. You can't, you know, can't necessarily show your emotions all the time.

And it's very difficult to kind of adapt that way of living at work and not let it carry on into your personal life as well. And I've, I've found now to this day that this is a really common thing. So, you know, that, that incident was, There is something wrong with me, I guess, I, I called it brain damage, like I have brain damage, like, I knew, I knew I felt sad, I knew that I should be crying, and I just couldn't, couldn't produce a tear, which then of course gave me the guilt of why, why can't I cry for my friend, and that's a whole, that, that's a whole nother problem. So time went by about two years later, 2023 at the end of 2022. I had three back to back, um, suicides, gunshot wound to the heads with, that's my, I think we all have a trigger call. That's my trigger call. And I've had so, so many. Um, the first one was the son of, uh, one of our retired captains. The second one, um, was, uh, some, someone else I didn't know, obviously, just the patient.

And then the third one was a gentleman who, um, attempted, uh, attempted to, what is the appropriate term now, carry out suicide or complete, complete suicide, but he, he did not. He was still alive and his, uh, first name was the same name as my son. And, you know, thankfully he's actually still alive today, not in a not in a functional state, but he's still alive today.

But those three calls just did something to my brain. And I remember after the last call, everybody's saying, are you okay? And I'm thinking like in that, in that second that they asked me the question, my brain is saying, well, what do I say? Yeah, I'm fine. The standard answer. Yeah. Yeah. Just another day.

Just another, just another thing. Or do I say, okay. No, I'm not okay. And then the way that it was then, Oh, we need to call all these people in. And, you know, it just felt like whatever they were going to do would be too drastic if I told the truth. So, I was just like, you know, and I kind of just kept thinking, you know, there's got to be something better for us to ask each other than are you okay?

Because the answer after something like that is no, but it's okay to not be okay after that. It's just not okay. If you're, you're staying there and that's, so I made the decision to, um, leave my family for 30 days and checked into Harbor Grace in January of 2023 for a 30 day inpatient treatment.

TJ: And how was that?

Rachael: Very difficult. Um, being separated from my kids, very difficult. Being around a lot of other people that are also not doing well. Um, was difficult and not, you know, it was because I guess I needed to see another way or, but I mean, everybody was there for the same reason I was there. So of course they were in a bad, in a bad place. And that, uh, facility caters to police and firefighters, police and fire department, whereas like the center of excellence is only fire department. So kind of hearing the perspective, it was several.

retirees there. And it really kind of opened my mind to, we have to do something because our brothers and sisters are retiring from this job. And I think the statistic is like, on average, we're living for seven years after, you know, we put our

TJ: pitiful. 

Rachael: it is, it's, it's scary. And it does not have to be that way. And, you know, There are some of us who put our entire identity into this job, and then when you lose it, and you lose the camaraderie, when you lose your buddies, when you lose the thing that drives you to wake up every day, you know, sometimes it's really hard at that stage in life to find a different passion or another path.

I think that was one of the most powerful things, honestly, to see how many retirees were there and how, just how, how absolutely drained they were and, you know, had nowhere else to go. Many of them had attempted to take their life. Many of them had, um, at the very least thought, you know, thought about doing that. And it just really shines a bright light on the, uh, the epidemic that's, that's happening that. There are solutions to, and why are these solutions not happening?

TJ: I want to go back when you kept talking about how difficult it was. Did you find that it was difficult taking that step? Because as responders we bring order to chaos. And walking through those doors is basically saying I cannot bring order to my own chaos. And we are awful. At relinquishing that control.

Look at it's, it's so funny watching firefighters, police officers, whoever it might be, who would rather drive 10, 12 hours than get on the plane because they still have control behind the wheel. They're terrified of whoever's flying the plane. And you know what? I found myself doing that. Like the plane jolts.

I was like, I fucking hope this pilot's good, man. I hope he's good. I hope she's awesome because I don't like that little jolt. Was it that a difficult part?

Rachael: very, very much so. In order to heal, you basically have to crack your cell phone and be the most vulnerable that you've ever been. And you're only there for 30 days. You don't know these people. These are all strangers. Some of us can't even be vulnerable to our spouse or our best friend. But if you are truly going there, To get as much as you can out of this experience, you have to be fucking raw. You have to be, you have to crack yourself open and pour out the contents and let everybody, all of these strangers see it, see it all, you know, and that, that goes even into like your childhood experiences and things like that. Things that people don't necessarily realize in impact how we deal with stressful situations. And trauma and all of these things, so you have to be willing to be credibly honest with others. Sure. First and foremost, yourself. So, yes, that, that, that was incredibly difficult to get to the point where it was like, I mean, I'm here. Why waste my time? time. Let me just spill it. Let me just spill the guts, spill the beans.

And I think like once, you know, once a couple people do it, other people are like, Oh, okay, we're doing this. Okay. I didn't, I didn't really intend to do this, but, and, and it's really beautiful to see people who have held in things for five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 35, 45, whatever years, just Vomiting out all this stuff that they've been shoving down and just simply the act Telling your own truth is really really powerful

TJ: How was it walking out those doors after those 30 days?

Rachael: scary Actually scary, but in a different way than walking in because now you have these tools now You've learned how to be vulnerable how to be raw how to feel your emotions and you're like well I have to go back and do my job now that I've built up all these protective mechanisms To do Like I have built this shell around me so that I could do my job.

Now I just spent the last 30 days breaking this shell away to get to the squishy middle and now I have to return to do my job. And what is going to happen on that first fucked up call? Am I going to be okay?

TJ: Where are you?

Rachael: I was, I was, um, now I'm not saying, I was like, Oh, whatever. It just kind of like begins to hit different, I guess, where you see it from a different perspective, you are observing this thing rather than being a part of it, if that makes sense.

TJ: So you're a little bit more detached. You're not taking on that sadness, those vibes, that, that grief. Is that what I'm, what I'm getting out of this?

Rachael: I think that's a good way to put it. And of course, you know, there's always going to be those sticky calls. That, you know, no matter, no matter how much healing journeys you go on are going to get, get to us. Um, but yeah, I, I felt more prepared and I was, I, I did not have a miraculous healing after 30 days.

I mean, it probably took me another year and a half after that to feel like, okay, all right, I got this. I, I feel good.

TJ: Interesting. So 30 days to get the tools. And then a lot of months after the fact for you to employ those tools,

Rachael: Yes.

TJ: it like an epiphany? You woke up one day, you're like, hallelujah, I'm healed. Or did you just notice that as the time went on, you're like, Oh, this would have fucked with me in the past.

Rachael: Yes. Yeah. I noticed that it was not an epiphany. It was not like a light bulb moment. And, and I mean, I was going to there at the beginning there, I was going to therapy once a week. Um, I found an incredible MDR therapist and that follow up portion, I got the tools at Harbor Grace, but that follow up portion is really what changed my life because I don't think no matter what 30 days is going to heal.

anything completely, but it at least equips you with what you need to know going forward. So that, that therapy after and all the tools that I got from that, that I could start to kind of put in place for myself in the following, you know, days, weeks, months, years, you know, a lot of those things I'm still using today.

And, and yeah, you know, something will happen and I'll say like, Okay, yeah, that, that, that, I would not be okay with this two years ago. I, I literally felt like I had brain damage.

TJ: Oh,

Rachael: I felt like I was broken, and I did not think that there was any way for me to be any different. I just thought that, that this is just what happens to us eventually.

TJ: Like a cracked piece of fine china that you can't put back together.

Rachael: Right, right. That it's just like, well,, this is how I am now. And no one wants to be around me.